Where The Hell I've Been

Dear resident fags and fruit flies (and hopefully a decent smattering of breeder men and LesBeHonest ladies), I thought I'd rejoin the blogosphere and update you on my train wreck......I meant life.

When last we met here on The Gorgeous and The Gay, I was managing a McAlister's and basically doing life somewhat correctly. Well, the proverbially shit hit the fan and now I'm fully ensconced on the struggle bus.

My former roommate got married, so I moved in with a girl in the hood. Like literal hood where my neighbors attempted to sell me weed, meth, and food stamps. Ummm, not exactly the place I expected to live but even the great live in shitty places from time to time.

Fast forward a couple of months and I'm at my new job as a server at a nicer Mexican restaurant, and I knocked down my monthly income by about a thousand dollars and I sadly had to let Celeste the wonder car go back to her home at the car lot. I cried a little but I bounced back with a smoke and a shot (of whiskey, I'm still drug free despite my time in methland  apartments). 

Then roomie decided to move to another town with a shitty, shitty new boyfriend and long story short, I'm now living the dream and celebrating my 26th birthday living with my elderly grandparents who disapprove of short shorts, skinny jeans, and man on man dirt nasty pig sex, which we all know are three of my favorite things.

But all is not lost! Thanks to living rent free, I've almost saved up enough cash to outright buy a new (to me) car and I've got leads on new jobs, and plus not being able to hook up has lead to forming the beginnings of actual meaningful relationships with a few nice gentleman.

Not to bring down the vibe of my hilarious blog, but God really knows what He's doing and I feel like things are looking up! Plus my misadventures in MethLand Apartments (btw isn't that an amazing album title? Someone tell a cool band) have given me a few good stories and I did manage to snag a freshman Bible major from the local Christian college for about 3 months of really, REALLY good sexcapades.

So, here's to a new year and hopefully me blogging a little more because I KNOW you are dying to know more about my life and opinions.

Love,

jSe 

The Perks of Being a Bitch (Because WallFlowers Suck)

Let's be honest gals and gays: I AM a massive bitch. I force myself into situations and neither take nor give quarter when crossed (please see a coworker's parole officer and his anonymous call logs for proof.)
Why am I this way? Simply because it works. I get what I want and I have a fabulous circle of friends and family that always back me.
Want to be like me? You can't, but here's some tips for getting close to my glamor.
1) Freaking dress well! No one will respect or fear a sloppy person. Be fashion forward or a hipster, I don't care; just wear well fitting, well made clothing, have good accessories, and match! Dear God, please just fucking match.
2) Invest in good, dark, LARGE sunglasses. They inherently say, "I'm better than you." and give you "bitch face" without actually having to have bitch face
3) Have a "bitch face." Bitch face is a look that conveys disdain, superiority, and bored amusement. It will infuriate and intimidate the weaker willed.
4) Know when to bow out. A bitch take the world by storm but a bitch also knows when he or she is in over his or her heard or faced with a bigger bitch. Learn to back down with grace and poise.
5) Have grace and poise. Learn to walk with confidence, not arrogance. Greet people with enthusiasm and be kind to strangers. A good bitch never causes or creates conflict. He or she just wins when the conflict arises.
6) Examen your peer group and social circle. A bitch can mingle with all levels and layers of society, but you are who you cavort with. There's no advice to gaining admittance to good social groups, just be the person you want to be and friends will find you. Never sacrifice yourself for the sake of temporary friends. A bitch would never be that weak.

Really, just be confident, be forward, be strong, and be yourself. If other's don't like you, well it really does suck to suck.
Love,
jSe

Apparently I'm Offensive

Here's the deal bitches and boys, I'm offensive like most lesbian/Jewish comics, although I am not a lesbian, a Jew, or a comic. I just try to put my spin on things.
If I offend you, I'm sorry I'm not sorry but that's just too damn bad. I realize this attitude isn't exactly conducive to being bff to everyone and their mama, but honey, I have friends and I'm not interviewing for more.
I'll gladly talk to anyone who doesn't smell like spaghetti or look like meth is their favorite condiment in a "Fuck My Life" sandwich, but I don't require your approval.
Yes, I pay too much for name brand clothing and I am image conscious, but being preppy doesn't mean I'm dying for everyone to love me. It means I balance out my filthy mouth with a nice wardrobe and with being the guy you can call at 3AM because your girlfriend is psycho or your boyfriend is cheating.
Moral of the story? There is no need to inform me that I offended you. I really don't give a shit or I wouldn't have said it.
Love,
jSe

Grindr: A WTF Situation

Y'all I entered the land of smartphones and of course, I traipsed directly over to the seedy side of town and downloaded Grindr. For those that don't know, Grindr is homo GPS. It shows you the homos in your area based on relative distance and allows you to chat, trade pictures, and/or find someone to blow in a parking lot.

Now, I thought I'd try the Grindr out and see what it's like plus I know zero gays in Searcy so why not? Suddenly this very cute boy is chatting me and the conversation is great! After a day of chats, my sister and I go eat at his work and I'll be damned if he's not a good 70 lbs heavier than his pic. Umm, WTF!

Here's the thing: I'm fat and I would date/hook up with another fatty, but why would you lie?! That picture is really old and now, I have no interest because you completely misrepresented yourself. Also, he's a screaming queen. Homey don't play dat shit. I like my men to be manly. Athletes who hunt are my particular favorites.

The point of this post is: either be honest or don't be surprised when I lose interest. I'm a fatty and my picture is a full body shot taken a month ago. Be real or be lonely asshole.

Also, my people are FREAKS!!! One gentleman messaged me and informed me that he was wear a dirty jock strap and wanted to rub his dirty ass on a glass door. What.The.Fuck does that mean? I prefer bathed men but maybe I'm different.

Love,
jSe

Southern Dignity: Home of Southern Fashion for Gentleman of Taste

I started following @SouthernDignity awhile ago (FB link here http://www.facebook.com/SouthernDignity) and I have fallen in love with their clothing! I own this shirt:

The Cigar Series shirt and it is the most comfortable Tshirt EVER! No but seriously, I wear it ALL THE TIME. The material is super soft with a bit of stretch so it hugs your body, in the I'm-made-and-fitted-properly way, not the my-shirt-is-too-damn-small way.
I also own this shirt:

The green Regnant Polo

It's a bit of a snug fit but I love that. It is made from the same material as the shirt (cottony with a bit of stretch) and is just a little bit thicker. It doesn't wrinkle and looks great on almost any body shape. If you buy any new shirts, you must buy these!
They also have bowties, accessories, and lady's clothing.

I predict that Southern Dignity will be THE clothing company of the next few years. I'm talking every country club going, Sperry-wearing, short, colored short loving Southerner will own items from this company. They are the new Brooks Brothers (although we all still love BB).

Love,
jSe

P.S.

Dear Southern Dignity,
If the gentleman in the picture is looking to drink beer and make bad decisions with a charming, chubby Southern homo, I am free anytime.

jSe

The Amazing Spiderman, or Why I am in Love with Andrew Garfield

This Tuesday I went with some friends to the midnight premiere of The Amazing Spiderman. Now, y'all, geeky things aren't usually my purview besides an appreciation of My Little Pony and the Avatar franchise (Benders not blue people.) but this movie was, in fact, AMAZING! First point for amazingness?

Andrew Garfield's acting and umm ASSets. I mean, this guy really fills out this damn spandex body suit!

Second case in point?

Emma Fricking Stone. I may be a homo but I can appreciate brilliant acting and a quirky personality rolled up in one hot as hell leading lady! I have had a lesbian crush on Emma Stone ever since Easy A. And in this movie she moves away from raw comedy into a fairly serious role while allowing that spark of Emma Stone-ness to shimmer on through like the perfect ballet flat for summer on a rack of ugly shoes. She really made the movie for me.
I am not generally a fan of Spiderman (movie, comic, TV show) because the 90s are over and there is only so much angst I can handle and I fill that quota with Boy Meets World reruns.
I won't go into the plot because of the super geeks out there that would hunt me down and wear my pelt for leaking *SPOILERS* but guys, just go see it!

Side note: I def saw 2, yes 2, Spidermen peeing side by side at the theater. It was glorious, especially because one was stripped to the waist and he was looking grood!


Here are three of the SPidermen that made their appearance. God bless their little hearts!

Love,
jSe

Luke Bryan + More New Friends = A Great Weekend

After my adventures in babysitting (great freakin movie though right)...I mean driving and setting my car (semi) on fire, Princess Mia and I met up with her friend, JSwag and pick up Willary (her roommate and That Guy's roommate who are a couple) and The Party Crew (the rest of the folks that went) and headed to see Luke Bryan sing his little heart out. We got there, drank $4 beer, and waited for Luke Bryan to make his appearance and when he did, I swooned! He sang Adele, some new rap song, and then shook his firm little money maker before the show was over! It was on of the best concerts I have ever attended and it was only $35 bucks a ticket, well worth the price. During the concert, I of course bonded with the pretty girl beside me, gave an impromptu lesson on losing one's gag reflex, and stalked a very precious looking boy, whose picture I have included below:

the guy in the Orange-y shirt is God's gift to mankind, right?! If anyone knows him, tell him I said hellurr there.

Anyway, me and the new friend's had a ball before we all went out. While we were out, the highlight of my weekend happened: The female half of Willary spent 20 minutes convincing me that I was too cool and attractive to be gay, that I really just needed and wanted a cute girl with nice boobs. I repeatedly told her that I wanted the P and not the V but she was not having it. She has a precious little Mississippi accent and she was just so adamant, I almost let her set me up with a girl: almost. Instead, I distracted her by talking about my pants, which proves I am a true homo, Miss Willary!

A few beers and Taco Bell later, I went to sleep on Princess Mia's couch completely content with a great concert, some new fun friends, and I'm ready to visit again (in 2 weeks for a wedding)

Love,

jSe