The Perks of Being a Bitch (Because WallFlowers Suck)

Let's be honest gals and gays: I AM a massive bitch. I force myself into situations and neither take nor give quarter when crossed (please see a coworker's parole officer and his anonymous call logs for proof.)
Why am I this way? Simply because it works. I get what I want and I have a fabulous circle of friends and family that always back me.
Want to be like me? You can't, but here's some tips for getting close to my glamor.
1) Freaking dress well! No one will respect or fear a sloppy person. Be fashion forward or a hipster, I don't care; just wear well fitting, well made clothing, have good accessories, and match! Dear God, please just fucking match.
2) Invest in good, dark, LARGE sunglasses. They inherently say, "I'm better than you." and give you "bitch face" without actually having to have bitch face
3) Have a "bitch face." Bitch face is a look that conveys disdain, superiority, and bored amusement. It will infuriate and intimidate the weaker willed.
4) Know when to bow out. A bitch take the world by storm but a bitch also knows when he or she is in over his or her heard or faced with a bigger bitch. Learn to back down with grace and poise.
5) Have grace and poise. Learn to walk with confidence, not arrogance. Greet people with enthusiasm and be kind to strangers. A good bitch never causes or creates conflict. He or she just wins when the conflict arises.
6) Examen your peer group and social circle. A bitch can mingle with all levels and layers of society, but you are who you cavort with. There's no advice to gaining admittance to good social groups, just be the person you want to be and friends will find you. Never sacrifice yourself for the sake of temporary friends. A bitch would never be that weak.

Really, just be confident, be forward, be strong, and be yourself. If other's don't like you, well it really does suck to suck.
Love,
jSe

Apparently I'm Offensive

Here's the deal bitches and boys, I'm offensive like most lesbian/Jewish comics, although I am not a lesbian, a Jew, or a comic. I just try to put my spin on things.
If I offend you, I'm sorry I'm not sorry but that's just too damn bad. I realize this attitude isn't exactly conducive to being bff to everyone and their mama, but honey, I have friends and I'm not interviewing for more.
I'll gladly talk to anyone who doesn't smell like spaghetti or look like meth is their favorite condiment in a "Fuck My Life" sandwich, but I don't require your approval.
Yes, I pay too much for name brand clothing and I am image conscious, but being preppy doesn't mean I'm dying for everyone to love me. It means I balance out my filthy mouth with a nice wardrobe and with being the guy you can call at 3AM because your girlfriend is psycho or your boyfriend is cheating.
Moral of the story? There is no need to inform me that I offended you. I really don't give a shit or I wouldn't have said it.
Love,
jSe

Grindr: A WTF Situation

Y'all I entered the land of smartphones and of course, I traipsed directly over to the seedy side of town and downloaded Grindr. For those that don't know, Grindr is homo GPS. It shows you the homos in your area based on relative distance and allows you to chat, trade pictures, and/or find someone to blow in a parking lot.

Now, I thought I'd try the Grindr out and see what it's like plus I know zero gays in Searcy so why not? Suddenly this very cute boy is chatting me and the conversation is great! After a day of chats, my sister and I go eat at his work and I'll be damned if he's not a good 70 lbs heavier than his pic. Umm, WTF!

Here's the thing: I'm fat and I would date/hook up with another fatty, but why would you lie?! That picture is really old and now, I have no interest because you completely misrepresented yourself. Also, he's a screaming queen. Homey don't play dat shit. I like my men to be manly. Athletes who hunt are my particular favorites.

The point of this post is: either be honest or don't be surprised when I lose interest. I'm a fatty and my picture is a full body shot taken a month ago. Be real or be lonely asshole.

Also, my people are FREAKS!!! One gentleman messaged me and informed me that he was wear a dirty jock strap and wanted to rub his dirty ass on a glass door. What.The.Fuck does that mean? I prefer bathed men but maybe I'm different.

Love,
jSe

Southern Dignity: Home of Southern Fashion for Gentleman of Taste

I started following @SouthernDignity awhile ago (FB link here http://www.facebook.com/SouthernDignity) and I have fallen in love with their clothing! I own this shirt:

The Cigar Series shirt and it is the most comfortable Tshirt EVER! No but seriously, I wear it ALL THE TIME. The material is super soft with a bit of stretch so it hugs your body, in the I'm-made-and-fitted-properly way, not the my-shirt-is-too-damn-small way.
I also own this shirt:

The green Regnant Polo

It's a bit of a snug fit but I love that. It is made from the same material as the shirt (cottony with a bit of stretch) and is just a little bit thicker. It doesn't wrinkle and looks great on almost any body shape. If you buy any new shirts, you must buy these!
They also have bowties, accessories, and lady's clothing.

I predict that Southern Dignity will be THE clothing company of the next few years. I'm talking every country club going, Sperry-wearing, short, colored short loving Southerner will own items from this company. They are the new Brooks Brothers (although we all still love BB).

Love,
jSe

P.S.

Dear Southern Dignity,
If the gentleman in the picture is looking to drink beer and make bad decisions with a charming, chubby Southern homo, I am free anytime.

jSe

The Amazing Spiderman, or Why I am in Love with Andrew Garfield

This Tuesday I went with some friends to the midnight premiere of The Amazing Spiderman. Now, y'all, geeky things aren't usually my purview besides an appreciation of My Little Pony and the Avatar franchise (Benders not blue people.) but this movie was, in fact, AMAZING! First point for amazingness?

Andrew Garfield's acting and umm ASSets. I mean, this guy really fills out this damn spandex body suit!

Second case in point?

Emma Fricking Stone. I may be a homo but I can appreciate brilliant acting and a quirky personality rolled up in one hot as hell leading lady! I have had a lesbian crush on Emma Stone ever since Easy A. And in this movie she moves away from raw comedy into a fairly serious role while allowing that spark of Emma Stone-ness to shimmer on through like the perfect ballet flat for summer on a rack of ugly shoes. She really made the movie for me.
I am not generally a fan of Spiderman (movie, comic, TV show) because the 90s are over and there is only so much angst I can handle and I fill that quota with Boy Meets World reruns.
I won't go into the plot because of the super geeks out there that would hunt me down and wear my pelt for leaking *SPOILERS* but guys, just go see it!

Side note: I def saw 2, yes 2, Spidermen peeing side by side at the theater. It was glorious, especially because one was stripped to the waist and he was looking grood!


Here are three of the SPidermen that made their appearance. God bless their little hearts!

Love,
jSe

Luke Bryan + More New Friends = A Great Weekend

After my adventures in babysitting (great freakin movie though right)...I mean driving and setting my car (semi) on fire, Princess Mia and I met up with her friend, JSwag and pick up Willary (her roommate and That Guy's roommate who are a couple) and The Party Crew (the rest of the folks that went) and headed to see Luke Bryan sing his little heart out. We got there, drank $4 beer, and waited for Luke Bryan to make his appearance and when he did, I swooned! He sang Adele, some new rap song, and then shook his firm little money maker before the show was over! It was on of the best concerts I have ever attended and it was only $35 bucks a ticket, well worth the price. During the concert, I of course bonded with the pretty girl beside me, gave an impromptu lesson on losing one's gag reflex, and stalked a very precious looking boy, whose picture I have included below:

the guy in the Orange-y shirt is God's gift to mankind, right?! If anyone knows him, tell him I said hellurr there.

Anyway, me and the new friend's had a ball before we all went out. While we were out, the highlight of my weekend happened: The female half of Willary spent 20 minutes convincing me that I was too cool and attractive to be gay, that I really just needed and wanted a cute girl with nice boobs. I repeatedly told her that I wanted the P and not the V but she was not having it. She has a precious little Mississippi accent and she was just so adamant, I almost let her set me up with a girl: almost. Instead, I distracted her by talking about my pants, which proves I am a true homo, Miss Willary!

A few beers and Taco Bell later, I went to sleep on Princess Mia's couch completely content with a great concert, some new fun friends, and I'm ready to visit again (in 2 weeks for a wedding)

Love,

jSe

Meeting Princess Mia and Setting Carlotta Cadillac on Fire

So, as some of you may know, I spent this past Friday and Saturday in Fayetville (or as I like to call it Fayetnam), AR. It was a great trip because 1) I saw Luke Bryan in concert and 2) I met my new life partner, best friend, and all around love, Princess Mia. Now Mia and I have tweeted back and forth for a couple of months because she is friends with That Guy, a friend from my infamous 2 years as a freshman in college. That Guy, Princess Mia, and Rockin JM (another friend from ASU who moved to Fayetnam) have had long Twitter convos and when I decided to go up to Fayetnam for this concert, Princess Mia offered her couch and the plan was set.

Friday rolls around and I wear these AMAZING red Dockers, my blue boots, and a white v-neck and begin the 4 hour trek to my Faytown Get Down after stopping at work to get my number one driving necessity, a ginormous Diet Coke. 4 uneventful hours of music, bad driving, and 1 scary as hell tunnel through a mountain, I pull over into a strip mall to wait for Princess Mia (whom I have never met in person) get home from school where she was doing That Guy's work because he shaded out on us to go to a wedding (whatever, we don't need him). While sitting there, I unplug GarminGarmin and throw my keys into my ashtray and settle in to wait on Princess Mia. Well, my keys landed in the cigarette lighter place and shorted out my precious Carlotta. When I went to grab the keys, I burnt my fingers on them and smoke starts POURING from my dash! So I jump out and immediately call 911 where a very polite, if exasperated lady tells me to calm down, she's sending the fire department, who shows up 3 minutes later in the rain and jaws of life's open my dash before figuring out that my fuse was too strong and didn't blow when it should. Long story short, I wound up being fine, Carlotta just has a fuse missing until I take her to the shop. But during all this trauma, I ripped my freaking new pants! And of course I forgot my shoes that match my other clothes at home, so I had to wear Ralph Lauren melon colored slacks with my boots to the concert which was of course a tragic fashion day for me.

Anyhoo, after the fire dept. leaves (BTW big thank you to those kindly gentleman), I drive the 500 ft to Princess Mia's apartment and I am greeted by 5 ft of the most precious lady ever, wrapped in Polo and awesome sauce! When then proceed upstairs where I finally learn Princess Mia's last name and we are off chatting like old girlfriends. She really won my heart when, after laughing at my tragedy, she offered me a giant glass of wine! It wasn't red but it was good! She then helped me create the least atrocious outfit from the mixed bag that is my backseat (which is my third closet) and then we were off to see Luke Bryan (which is chronicled in my next entry!

Love,

jSe

College: Why Bother?

Here's the deal guys. FUCKING GO TO COLLEGE! I have gone (minus two semesters) for 6 years and in my ramblings from major to major (and party to party) I have come across some fairly profound truths.

You meet some of the most amazing people you will ever meet.
You have a chance to broaden your social horizons.
You learn about what you are passionate.
You learn who you are.

 -story illustrating these points below-

   I started college as a fat, socially awkward guy from a VERY small town who had just lost his mother. I followed some friends into the Greek Life office, signed up for rush and just started meeting people. I did not join a fraternity (remember: fat, awkward, extremely gay and going to Arkansas State University); however, I did meet a girl named Ashton who paved the way to 6 years of involvement with Chi Omega (*cough* Man of the Year 2008 *cough*) and through that I have met a succession of beautiful, talented, and amazing women who have become life long friends.
    I also eventually joined the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) where I eventually became an officer and was able to be a guiding hand in positive change for the LGBT community and an older person who had already come out that could help ease the way for young, newly out LGBT men and women.
   I was a senator for the SGA (Student Government Association) and learned more about parliamentary procedure and the how legislation worked than I did in most of my etiquette and PoliSci classes.
    Through friends and acquaintances I've met through college, I have been hired to work for 2 political campaigns and have met 4 governors, 3 Senators, and a Congressman.
   I also learned through all of this that while I do care about LGBT issues, I am passionate about children's issues and have made it my goal to aid CASA and UNICEF.
So go to college for these reasons.

OR:


Go to college because you want to party, because you want to get a great job, or because your daddy won't pay your car insurance if you don't.

Just freaking go! I have seen what no college education does. You (as in 94% of the non-college educated) become townies whose most interesting though is maybe changing up the beer they use for beer pong....and they are 30.

Go for a year, and if it's not right for you, drop out and try something different. I have no judgement for those who take a different road, I just think everyone should experience a mile on THIS road.

Love,
jSe

Wine Time is a Fine Time

As anyone who knows me or has gotten a fermented grape juice induced text message from me (which is everyone in my phone including the guy who delivered my Chinese food once my sophomore year in college) knows, I love wine. Don't get me wrong, I like a nasty, salty margarita when I feel the need to let my proverbial hair down or I want to get extra loose on the dance floor and who doesn't like an ice cold beer (preferably something from the Bud Light family or Rolling Rock) on a hot day. But what really butters my crumpet is a chilled bottle...er I mean glass of red wine. When I say I like wine, your average snotty and snooty wine drinkers says, "Hmm, really? do you prefer a Cabernet or Pinot? Maybe a nice Chablis?" No, you pretentious douchecock, I prefer really cold, really fruity red wine. My favorite? Mogen David Blackberry or Pomegranate. Yes, it does come in a giant bottle for $14 and yes, I do occasionally drink the whole bottle and then wear a toga made out of a bed sheet and a pea coat while chain smoking on my front porch and singing 90s songs and feeling feelings that I generally keep suppressed under layers of fried food and judgmental comments. Judge me, please. Your ankles look fat in those last season heels anyway.

I really get sidetracked blogging don't I? Before I went off on my spiel about how wine drinkers can be assholes, I meant to say that I have recently branched into wines that come with, wait for it, a cork! Yes, ladies and gentleman, I have advanced from box wine (Franzia was my downfall many a collegiate night), to gallon jugs, to actual corked bottles of wine. Here in Arkansas, there is a tiny town called Altus. -Yes, where The Simple Life starring Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton was filmed- On a less vomit inducing (unless you drink too much of the wine I am about to mention) note, Altus is also where the Poste Family of wines produces their AMAZING Elderberry and Muscadine wines. I bought a bottle of the Elderberry a couple of weeks ago and actually saved a glass for the next evening because IT WAS THAT GOOD! In case you were unaware, I took another hiatus from school and currently live with my 79 year old grandparents and work at a McAlister's in Searcy, AR. I am not exactly leading the most fabulous life possible guys, so I need my wine and plenty of it and physically stopping myself from guzzling the rest of that bottle so I could have some delicious Elderberry amazingness the next day is truly a testament to how tasty it was and how sad I have become.

Moral of the story: Go to Walmart and buy a cork screw and then head to the liquor store (or Heaven as I call it) and buy a bottle of Poste Family Elderberry wine and then tell me what you think.

Love,
jSe

P.S.
I also give high reviews to the Blueberry

Why "no offense" offends me

THIS IS BLOGGER!!!!

I am obviously a homosexual (see blog title) and obviously have no qualms about it. 5 minutes in my company, you will also realize that I spend 95% of my time being bitchy, telling massively offensive jokes, and making off color comments to attractive straight men. It's all apart of my charm, I like to think I ballet dance all over the (sometimes) fine line between being trashy and classy. Example, I wear flat front "prep length" shorts in pastel colors paired with a wide array of v-necks, and my favorite canvas Sperry's everyday I'm not at work. I also don't shave on a regular basis because I'm lazy. See how that works? Classy and trashy all at once. I'm definitely one mixed bag of nuts.
Back on subject though, when a straight male friend calls something gay and then turns to me and says, "No offense." I am offended. Why? Because one doesn't need to qualify a statement with "no offense" unless offense was meant. "No offense" is one of the most passive aggressive statements EVER! Either man up and just say, "That's gay" or "Lebron is playing like a faggot." and deal with the consequences of hurt feelings (mine won't be, Lebron does play like a faggot) or don't say it. I am tired of people thinking they can say whatever they want and then apologize for it. Just say what you mean and then stick by it. I rarely try to take back words (which is impossible anyway) because if I offend you, we probably don't need to be friends or you needed to hear what I said anyway. You don't like Holocaust jokes? Well, I'm sorry, Anne Frank-ly I don't care. You're mad because I told you that your ass does, in fact, look ginormous in those pants? Well honey, better I say it to your face then everyone at the party saying it behind your back(side).

Love,
jSe